What If's

Do you ever think about the way things could have been? What if you'd done that, what if you'd gone there? How different things could be if one little thing had changed? How the things you believe and the things that you say might not be so if you'd never done that thing? How your friends could be strangers or enemies or dead if you'd only done one little other thing? If you hadn't experienced that, would you still feel like this? If you had said that thing, would you still look like this? Would you even be you if you did something else, or would you cease to exist?

           Today I've been thinking a lot about what ifs. I've spent the evening reading Rainbow Rowell's Eleanor and Park and remembering a similar life about 6 years ago. So many things during that time have influenced the person I am now. If I hadn't lied about being okay with Ralph, would my mom have married him? If Lydie hadn't died, would we ever have left Omaha. If I had actually tried to get alone with Ralph, would I be online right now? The list goes on and on. I let myself think like this fairly often, and I know I should stop, but I also wonder if it could be healthy to think this way, because it usually leads to me understanding that I love who I am now and, in a way, am glad my life went the way it did. Before those years, I was headed towards being a very different person than I am now. I was selfish, shallow, and if I had stayed that way, I would probably be a Justin Beiber fan right now. That's the type of person I was. And I'm not saying I was a bad person then, I'm just saying that things changed. I started seeing how things affected others and making decisions based on that. I don't know what got me through that experience, I was depressed and suicidal before the worst of that time happened, but somehow I made it through. I mean, I definately gained a lot of mental issues and social problems because of it, but I've been fighting towards progress ever since. And yes, there are huge lulls in the progress where nothing changes, but I also take huge jumps of progress. And that's what keeps me going now. Knowing that things are getting better. I will survive. I will thrive in life. I will be extraordinary.

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             In other news, as I assume you can see, I've started up a new blog. It will probably include a plethora of different types of posts... I'm hoping to start reviewing books and movies. I also want to include photographs occasionally. But as usual, there will probably be things rants about things that happen and general updates on life. There will also be a fair bit of creative writing and reflection as seen above. So that's all for now. I promise it won't all be this deep.