A short little message about this blog

Hi, I'm Kat. I'm not sure that I really introduced myself to this blog since I assume most people will be finding it from other sources like twitter and tumblr and youtube and facebook, where I am already known, but anyways... Obviously as this is a blog, overtime you will learn more and more about me so I don't feel the need to make a real introduction because pretty much everything will come out eventually. 

So to start this off, last night we learned even technology is not enough to help me keep track of times and dates. TOMORROW is six years six months. Lydie died January 20, 2007. I saw July 19 on the top of my computer screen and did not pay attention to the fact I was writing at 12:30 am. 

Next, as I found out a few days/weeks ago (I don't know when that was... Like I said, days are hard) People have reactions to my opinions. I think this is something I knew but hadn't really experienced that much until my post about some drama. I realized early on that people on twitter and facebook do have a lot of views other than my own so I do think a lot more about what I say on those types of places, but I made the assumption that a blog would be a safer place. I'm not going to apoligize for my views. I am not going to hold back on how I feel about things. It sounds harsh to me, but this is my place to write what I need to write and that's what I'm going to do. If something I write about makes you uncomfortable don't read it. If something I write offends you, feel free to talk to me about it but don't attack me about it. (If you do this and I get defensive, I am sorry, I deal with a lot of people who don't understand things so I tend to get short and to the point which sometimes gets a little rude. I am not saying things to be mean, I am just saying them to the best of my ability.) With that, realize that I do deal with severe anxiety so at points I may just need to leave a discussion. I know my ability with words is way too good for my own good. That's why I bottle things up. I know I have the ability to say things that will really hurt. That's why I don't confront my dad when he pisses me off. 

Enough about that. As you may have noticed so far, this blog is not going to be themed or focus on one type of thing. It's going to be whatever it ends up being. From now on I am going to try using tags to help in case people come here for a certain thing and don't care about other things. This will especially be helpful after Sunday when I post my first TV review. 

So yeah, I have a few posts planned out for the coming days. I may post one later tonight depending on how late work goes, otherwise you can expect to hear from me tomorrow! Also, take this post as a warning that I tend to go on tangents a lot. I really did intend for this post to be short. (Also, I may be trying out new things while trying to find an internet identity or something so if I try out greetings or other things just go with it. I'm trying to find my swing.) 

Tonight, I switched pillows.

Switching pillows was the hardest thing I've had to do in a long time. That may sound ridiculous until I add that the only other pillow I have was my little sister's pillow. Of course I took her pillowcase off, and I will continue to store it in a safe place, but removing the sacredicity of this pillow that has been in my position since her death was so hard. 

Tomorrow marks 6 and a half years since her death. It's been six years and six months since I last saw my little sister. Six years and six months since she took her last breath. Six years and six months since I last saw her smile at me. Six years and six months since I last gave her a hug. 

Time has both flown by and crawled along. So much has changed since she left this world. But I still wake up from wonderful dreams where I spend time with her, to the cold reality that she's gone. I still see movies she loved and have to leave the area to cry. Jacob's current favorite movie was the last movie Lydia ever saw in theaters. When I think of how far my life has come without her, I end up in disbelief. Yes, I was 13 when she died, but I've done so much with my life. 

Tomorrow night I work. I don't think anyone I work with knows about my sisters, and that's how I plan to keep it for a while. It kills me how much I like being the girl who doesn't have 2 dead sisters. I mean, when I phrase it like that it makes perfect sense, but I straight up lied to my boss lady and said I had no siblings other than Raven, Jon, and Jacob... I might have more to say tomorrow but I can't write anymore tonight. 

I really miss her. 

I am a feminist.

This monkey has nothing to do with this topic, but isn't (s)he cute! 

I've been debating whether or not to post this all evening and now that I am trying to go to bed, I can't stop thinking about it.

Overall, I've been pretty lucky when it comes to derogatory statements about my gender. I mean, I'm an overweight redheaded nerd who was always the new girl, people had plenty of options when it came to insulting me. It hasn't been until recently, as I've begun truly exploring the world I live in and putting myself out there that I've been learning how difficult it can be for women. While I was in Portland, I noticed that when I am walking outside, I tend to not observe my surroundings for fear of creepy men noticing me. On the train thing I was too scared to even sit down. I'm always much more relaxed around guys that are more feminine in nature. But even with all of that, it never occured to me that it was because I am female. I just figured that was all part of my social anxiety, and some of it may be. But today was different.

Most things I do are predominantly female in participation. Choir, theater, JSA, Mock Trial, FBLA, etc.  Basically all of my after school activities in high school had a higher percentage of girls than boys. But now that I am growing up and doing more things that is slowly changing.

 Today I helped set up for some functions at work. While I wasn't the only girl there, I was the only girl doing most of the tasks I did. The 2 guys I was working with didn't really talk to me, and at first I didn't mind because they were idiots that didn't take enough pride in their work. But then as time went by, they started being louder with their personal discussions and began recognizing that I was there. At one point, one of them was joking around and not giving me the thingy that is used to move the chairs. Then I heard the other one say something along the lines of "Why is the girl working harder than you?" and the other guy laughed it off. A while later I overheard one say "Yeah you lay that tablecloth out while the girl lifts the chairs." This is hilarious because I went to elementary school with the guy who referred to me as "the girl" and he was best friends with my stepbrother for years. As soon as we finished with that building, that guy left as quickly as he could while the other guy and I waited for a reply from the boss lady about whether or not we were done.

 She asked us to set up a stage and wedding table in the other building. So we started doing that and after we got the stage done, the guy had to leave for his other job. We had not finished what we had been asked to do and he said something along the lines of "I can't find (boss lady) but I have to go and I suggest you do the same. Someone else can finish this later." He left and I stuck around and moved several heavy tables and was near the point of passing out from exhaustion. Then I took a break and boss lady joined me to finish up what needed to be done.

Both of those guys have been working here for several years while I just started in April. I felt that they made it very clear that I shouldn't be doing as much work as I do and that I was making them look bad. That last part makes me happy because it was after that that I was asked about adding another type of shifts to my schedule because they needed reliable hard workers that they could trust for something else. While I don't know how that is going to turn out, being told that I was the first person boss lady thought of for the job made my day.

Beyond work stuff, I've been noticing more and more comments on the internet that are slightly derogatory towards women. Men who think they are being cute and funny, who are joking with women about things like makeup and hair.

I don't know what is making me notice more things like this, because I doubt they all just started happening, but I am definitely going to be paying attention now.

YouTube Shenanigans

So as you may know, I have been on YouTube for quite some time now. I think I joined somewhere around 2007. Of course I didn't really start making videos until just recently. I now have 138 videos, some of which I'm quite proud of, and others... Well, see for yourself. This is my most popular video. I lost a bet at a friend's goodbye party.

Lately, as I have been subscribing to and enjoying more things on YouTube, I am becoming more and more eager to be part of it. I've been attempting tags and other common video types. Today's video was my own variation of a "What's in my Bag" video.

I do a lot of unsafe vlogging from my car as well... But let's not talk about that. As days go by and I watch more and more YouTubers from the confides of my bedroom, I am longing for a YouTube community or at least to be around other people who create videos for YouTube. I'm still the weird girl who always has a camera with her. My friends want to stay far away from the camera and it makes me sad. I mean, I understand them not wanting to, I just wish there were people who did as well. (Seriously, I love my friends here. I feel like I don't give them enough props sometimes.) ((I may make another blog post tonight about friends...)

Sometimes I make videos about random things I do such as trips to my sister's grave, or impromptu trips to who knows where.

I really love the experiences I have already had from my YouTube experimentation and I look forward to many more incredible journeys with it.

Do any of you make videos? Do you have ideas for videos I should make? Leave a comment and let me know!

Public Image

     So, I am in a group on the internet of friends who met last year in a chatroom about LeakyCon. After LeakyCon last year, we continued going to the chatroom and even became a facebook group. We have grown closer and closer all year. As LeakyCon approached this year, we discussed advertising chat to allow new Leaky attendees to get to know us and other people going to LeakyCon. After a disastrous first night, we began getting some frequent new people, some we got along with, others we found annoying. After LeakyCon this year, we put a password on the chat room. (We had one before because of other reasons) Basically, we let people in, then forced those we didn't want out. I'm not saying that was wrong or right, although that phrasing says otherwise... But beside that, at LeakyCon, we wore shirts with our group name on them, a group name that has been public throughout the year. We have a youtube channel in that name as well. Melissa knows of us and even gave us a shoutout during LeakyStars. Now we are in a "war" about how to continue as a group. People are upset because there is an interest in our group that we didn't expect. This problem has arisen during some other drama which is not helping anything. But that doesn't matter for this post.

    The internet has changed things in the world, People become famous overnight. Public Image always needs to be considered on some level. Individuals need to watch what they post because anyone could see it. Companies need to watch what they share because they can get in trouble. All of this has changed the way the world works. The internet allows things to be shared around the world instantly. Things spread quicker than anyone can imagine. You don't really get the choice in how you are viewed. But you can control what gets seen. 

     By this point, people definitely know of us, The amount of people is unknown, but we are still known. We have a Public Image. There problem now is that people don't want a Public Image, at least not on the scale we now have. But once it's there, can it really go away? Sure we could change our name and stop doing things outside of our group, but people would still know us. Apparently we don't want fans, but we don't want a larger group either. I can't figure out the solution. I tried, but people still found problems. People are too concerned with other people's feelings. In a way I suppose I am too. Personally, I think we should use our group name to keep the public image positive, use our youtube for fun LeakyCon pep stuff and charities and all that jazz, I think we should let people join in and have fun with us. LeakyCon attendees are some of the most sincere and incredible people I have ever met and I hate the idea that I can't get to know all of them, which I obviously can't, but why should we have the chance to know all that want to know us? 

    Today I figured out that this whole thing is causing me to get physically ill from stress so I am doing what I never do which is back down. Whatever happens will happen. So what if I hate it, they are my friends and I will live with it. I will just come back with something else to get the community excited because that's what I love. I love being able to share things with people and interact. I love having this community of incredible people. It's what keeps me going everyday. And I will never give that up over a little drama with friends.


(THE PICTURE IS NOT MINE IT IS JUST CUTE AND THEY ARE FIGHTING SO I THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY.) 

What If's

Do you ever think about the way things could have been? What if you'd done that, what if you'd gone there? How different things could be if one little thing had changed? How the things you believe and the things that you say might not be so if you'd never done that thing? How your friends could be strangers or enemies or dead if you'd only done one little other thing? If you hadn't experienced that, would you still feel like this? If you had said that thing, would you still look like this? Would you even be you if you did something else, or would you cease to exist?

           Today I've been thinking a lot about what ifs. I've spent the evening reading Rainbow Rowell's Eleanor and Park and remembering a similar life about 6 years ago. So many things during that time have influenced the person I am now. If I hadn't lied about being okay with Ralph, would my mom have married him? If Lydie hadn't died, would we ever have left Omaha. If I had actually tried to get alone with Ralph, would I be online right now? The list goes on and on. I let myself think like this fairly often, and I know I should stop, but I also wonder if it could be healthy to think this way, because it usually leads to me understanding that I love who I am now and, in a way, am glad my life went the way it did. Before those years, I was headed towards being a very different person than I am now. I was selfish, shallow, and if I had stayed that way, I would probably be a Justin Beiber fan right now. That's the type of person I was. And I'm not saying I was a bad person then, I'm just saying that things changed. I started seeing how things affected others and making decisions based on that. I don't know what got me through that experience, I was depressed and suicidal before the worst of that time happened, but somehow I made it through. I mean, I definately gained a lot of mental issues and social problems because of it, but I've been fighting towards progress ever since. And yes, there are huge lulls in the progress where nothing changes, but I also take huge jumps of progress. And that's what keeps me going now. Knowing that things are getting better. I will survive. I will thrive in life. I will be extraordinary.

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             In other news, as I assume you can see, I've started up a new blog. It will probably include a plethora of different types of posts... I'm hoping to start reviewing books and movies. I also want to include photographs occasionally. But as usual, there will probably be things rants about things that happen and general updates on life. There will also be a fair bit of creative writing and reflection as seen above. So that's all for now. I promise it won't all be this deep.